As an old, married woman, it is safe to say that my ‘dating’ years are behind me, along with those wild nights out with all my single ladies…. actually, I don’t think it quite makes sense to say that they are behind me, because I never really experienced them. I turned 21 right around the time I started dating J, and let’s just say that at that time I had no interest in meeting my future husband, so you could argue that I don’t know much about dating. I have officially only been hit on in a bar one point five times. One of those times, J came to the rescue, and I experienced my first bar fight! The other, I was playing mom at my friend’s bachelorette party, and so I don’t think it really counts. He probably thought I was a wealthy old cougar or something. However, I have lots of gorgeous, single friends who are wading the dating waters, and I am lucky enough to be the first person they call to bail them out of an awful date, strategize the second date proposal, and compare the benefits of SITC living to domesticated bliss. I’m like a dating therapist, people.
Nevertheless, I wonder what life would be like if I were dating with dogs. I can only compare it with what I imagine life would be like when dating with children. There is that tricky dilemma of how much to talk about your dog on the first few dates, lest you appear to be a CDL (crazy dog lady, obviously). Then there is that important question, useful to predict your compatibility: admitting each of your ‘numbers’ (of course I mean max number of dogs people, get your minds out of the gutter!) Oh, and then, how long should you wait? I mean, you don’t want to rush things before introducing your potential mate to your four-legged partner-in-crime. Too soon, and you might appear easy, but wait too long, and it might seem as though you are playing hard to get!
Then there is the looming obstacle: what if your new beau and your pup don’t hit it off? What if he just isn’t “doggy-daddy” material? Maybe he is more of a ‘cat-person,’ or perhaps he believes that dogs belong outside (I wrote a post about one of those crazy guys, here). Rather, it might be your dog that doesn’t take kindly to having his or her relationship infringed upon… either way, what would you do? You need to think about it… is this a person that can handle dog hair on the furniture? Cold noses and wet kisses? Post-coital cuddles with Princess? If not, I’m sure you have already determined that they simply are not romantic material.
If you’re reading this post, you probably look at your social circle in a way that is similar to my own perspective: there are two types of people – animal lovers, and then there is everyone else. Or further, dog people and cat people. Now, maybe you have a severe feline allergy, or perhaps it’s just your dog that has an issue with kitties. Either way, my advice is to seek out the dudes you know will be dog-friendly… two dogs, one ball and all of that. I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking that you’ve already met all of the humans at the local dog park. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably pretty proud of the fact that you’ve finally managed to remember some of their names, as opposed to only memorizing the names, lineage, and social status of their dogs’. But in today’s society, where one in five couples meet online, why not take your search for a doggy daddy to the interwebz? Nowadays, there are plenty of online dating options out there for the dog-obsessed, and a simple google search may land you a ‘tall, dark, and handsome,’ four paws included: You Must Love Dogs, Date My Pet, Pet People Meet, Love me Love my Pets, just to name a few. Here, you can use your dog to your advantage, as either the ultimate wing-man, or the cock-blocker. For example, on a fabulous date with a fellow dog lover, and not ready for the night to end? Suggest that he bring over his cock…er spaniel, for a little late-night play date. Conversely, on an awful date and need a swift exit strategy? Of course, any dog lover would understand your need for haste if your pup is sick!
When you think about it, it makes sense. We’ve been spoiled by Fido’s unconditional love, and we needs someone who understands that level of devotion. Some might say that we’ve developed high standards, but if you’re amazing enough to deserve those standards, then why not?
What I mean by that, is that if finding a fellow single, attractive, sane, dog lover isn’t working out for you, you could just establish your online dating profile at a more ‘normal’ dating site like Match.com or eHarmony. There, you could highlight all of the reasons any man would be lucky to end up with a
fetch catch like you:
1) Easy-going: As evidenced by the dog hair and slobber covering every surface of your apartment. No OCD, neat-freaks here! Not to mention all of the chewed shoes, destroyed remotes, and scratched floors… no one could accuse you of being materialistic!
2) Selfless: Comfortable putting your own needs aside for the sake of others. For proof, just reference your calendar, with a plethora of Sophia’s grooming, nail-trimming, training, agility, and veterinary appointments. (On second thought, maybe don’t admit this one.)
3)Outdoorsy: Basically, you just spend a lot of time at the dog park.
4) Reliable: You know, as in your commonalities with the United State Postal Service. “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays this
courier dog owner from the swift completion of their appointed rounds potty duties.” Come to think of it, the regular 5 am wake up calls for Sam’s walks? Why, you’re a prompt and pleasant morning person! No lazy mornings spent in bed for you!
5) Generous: $100 bags of organic dog food, $200 monthly Nylabone and Kong budget, $50/day at doggy daycare… you are a giving person who would never place the value of financial security over the way you make your loved ones feel!
And if you’re still unsuccessful, there’s always dog dating sites. No, not like I mentioned above. I’m talking about dating sites FOR your dog. I mean, just because you’re not getting lucky, doesn’t mean that Ginger shouldn’t either, right? There are now a variety of websites created to accommodate the needs of your picky pup, whether you are searching for a pooch play mate or a breeding pair. (Just make sure your dogs are practicing safe sex, people!)
Disclaimer: These suggestions and tips are offered in jest. They are meant to make you smile as you wade the murky dating waters. In truth, the age old advice applies – be yourself, and you will find someone who will love you for it! (Unless you are a cat person. Then you’re screwed.)